The Home of Tom & Morven

Just some jokes being emailed around that I found amusing enough! Thanks Arie.

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said: “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!”

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?” She says, “I was in bed.” “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,“Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Wishes from a frog

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ……. times ten!” The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to“. The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM!!! - She’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. “The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM!!! - She’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to a guy from work for this joke.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but none the less inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that in case I need to fix it again?”

Harold grinned….”Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote down:
I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

Essential reading for any Australian male.

Code of Practise for Sheds

File Size: 141.4 KB

This is a bit of a rude joke so don’t read the rest of this one unwarned.
Read the rest of this entry »

A funny maths joke from Arie:

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. “Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Ashcroft said.

“They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of Maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Another joke from Morv

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the Doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.“

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just Sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

A joke compliments of my favourite redhead:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to Nai for this joke:

Two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the
knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna f*#kin’ die.”

Cheers to Jimmy for this:

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ” Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn’t, he should be at her house around 2 p.m.

Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?” In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500″.

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !