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A few jokes
Just some jokes being emailed around that I found amusing enough! Thanks Arie.
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said: “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!”
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?” She says, “I was in bed.” “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,“Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Wishes from a frog
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ……. times ten!” The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to“. The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.” So, KAZAM!!! - She’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you. “The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, KAZAM!!! - She’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: women are really dumb but think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!